Posts Tagged ‘self care’

058 How to Love Yourself When You Feel Unlovable with Matie Fricker

Self-love can take on many meanings. It can convey self care, nurturing self-confidence, embracing selfishness, or it can even taken on a sexual meaning. For Self Serve owner Matie Fricker, these meanings are fluid and interconnected. After ten years of owning and running a successful adult shop and resource center while always working to make mental, emotional, and physical health a priority, Matie understands that all of these definitions are integral to self-love. Nonetheless, she sees that sexual self care is often one of the most overlooked for reasons such as taboo, shame, or lack of access to education and resources.

My guest today is Matie Fricker. Matie is owner of Self Serve, a sex-positive, health- and education-focused adult shop and resource center. Matie has been awarded the 2008 Tough Cookie Award from the National Association for Women Business Owners, Best Sexy Shop in ABQ’s Alibi Weekly Newspaper for 8 years and Albuquerque Pride’s Outstanding Retail Store Award. One of her proudest accomplishments was causing Rush Limbaugh to say “female orgasm” on-air multiple times. In this episode Matie and I talk about how to care for yourself even when you feel unlovable, why it’s important to allow yourself to have self-doubt days, and how her definition of success has evolved throughout her career.

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What You’ll Discover in this Episode

  • How to prioritize self care even when you are feeling unlovable
  • Why it is important to honor and heal your relationship with your body if you want to make an impact in matters outside of yourself
  • How concepts around sex and concepts around social justice are interrelated

More About Matie

Before opening Self Serve, Matie was headed for a career in law. At the time she was “killing herself to be acceptable” so she gave herself permission to take a job at a sex shop as an escape from the pressures of law school. When she went to work, it opened up my heart… I saw lives change.” But Matie was conflicted- was she really going to drop out of law school to work in a sex shop? Her sister gave her the sage advice that helped make the answer clear: “what can you do for hours and hours and feel like minutes pass?”

People are so surprised that [Self Serve] is so nice,” she explains, “as if sexuality is something that we don’t deserve nice things around.” For her working means that she gets to help people “honor our sexuality as being a part of ourselves and our wholeness.” This concept is important in every facet of our lives. We know that self care must come first in order for us to live our lives and make a difference as much as possible, so why would sexual health and acceptance be excluded? “If we’re not embodied we can’t fight the fights we need to in the world.”

Running a sex shop, Matie is intimate with issues around body positivity and body shaming in our culture. She takes an unusual stance on body image. She tells people they ought to “give yourself permission to not love your body… if you hate your body today, go ahead.” She sees that shaming yourself for not having a positive body image is simply creating more shame rather than inspiring body positivity itself. Instead, she suggests that even if you don’t feel lovable, “show up for yourself as if you are lovable.” “Big picture,” she explains, “you are worthy of being loved whether you love yourself or not.”

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Check Out the Links Mentioned in this Episode!

SelfServeToys.com

What You Really Really Want by Jaclyn Friedman

Courage to Change by Al-Anon

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron

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020 Forgiveness as a Tool for Self Care with Carolyn Tadamala

When people harm us, hurt us or sabotage us in some way, we often jump to anger and revenge. How can I get back at them? How can I gain back the power or status that they stole? According to entrepreneur Carolyn Tadamala, forgiveness is the answer. By forgiving them for their attacks, you allow yourself to take lessons form the incident and grow, rather than stagnantly dwelling on angry emotions and using your energy in petty, nonproductive ways. This tactic, Carolyn explains, is particularly useful when the failure was the result of your own actions. Imagine how much time and energy you would save if you simply forgave yourself for your mistakes, rather than wasting time suffering over them?

Today I chat with Carolyn Tadamala, India-based entrepreneur and founder of Éclair Patisserie, a bakery in Hyderabad. 90% of the profits of Éclair Patisserie go toward finding education for impoverished children and covering medical bills for children who are fighting cancer. Carolyn and I talk about incorporating family into your business, surrounding yourself with supportive people (and cutting out those that bring you down), burn out, and how to use forgiveness as a tool for self care.

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What You’ll Discover in This Episode:

  • How you can surround yourself with the people that support you and cut out those that bring you down
  • Tips for handling and avoiding burnout
  • How you can involve your family in your business and inspire them to support and love it
  • How to move on when you’re angry with yourself or a coworker

More About Carolyn

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Carolyn’s café, Éclair Patisarrie, is evidence of the growth she has had throughout her adulthood. She recalls a time earlier in her life when she was miserable to those around her, and as a result attracted miserable people. Carolyn made a decision to improve herself and to improve her surroundings, removing herself from people that hurt her or brought her down while at the same time working on herself to make sure she was treating herself and her loved ones kindly.

Improving the lives of those around her has become a central focus for Carolyn, in her work raising money for impoverished children, and in her personal life. While many of us struggle to care for the wellbeing of our family and the success of our business, Carolyn does the two together. From the very beginning she has included her family in the decisions around her business, finding that “Once they felt they were a part of it, it was easier for them to be accepting of the hard parts.”

Today I caught Carolyn at a pivotal moment; she was on the brink of burnout. She had been traveling, not getting enough sleep or exercise, and simply dealing with too much on her plate. In these moments Carolyn “jumps out.” She puts all of her responsibilities to the side and remembers her own self-care. She prioritizes rest, healthy diet, and exercise, and she asks herself a series of questions. “Who am I? What do I want to do? What do I need to get rid of to get to what I want? Who do I need to forgive?” By remembering the answers to these questions she is able to put herself back on track, and by offering forgiveness to herself and those around her she’s able to move forward and “jump back in.”

What super power did you discover you had only to realize it was there all the time?

Happiness.

What advice would you give to your 25 or 30 year old self?

Don’t worry. It’s all going to work out.

Check Out The Links Mentioned in This Episode!

Éclair Cafe

The Magic of Thinking Big by David J. Shwartz

The Law of Attraction by Esther Hicks

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019 Curiosity Instead of Judgment: Overcoming Self-Sabotaging Behavior with Anna Sperlich

Have you ever found yourself on the brink of success or just about the take a leap into a new career or life endeavor, and something happens to sabotage the whole thing? What’s more, have you ever found that the undoing was your own fault? This tendency to self-sabotage on the brink of big success is not so uncommon.

According to Anna Sperlich, there is an evolutionary reason for this trend. When humans lived in a more primal age and fatal danger could be lurking around every corner, it made the most sense to do whatever possible to maintain status quo. Logically, our chances of staying safe were higher if we could simply maintain whatever it was we were currently doing, rather than trying something new and different. Also, it would have been best for us to act like those around us. If we did anything too unusual we may risk being rejected by our families and communities, and the safety they provided.

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Today, this translates to us getting an innate tug of apprehension at the idea of trying something new: we could fail! We could be shamed! We could be kicked out of our communities! Luckily, the threats we face today don’t have the deadly outcomes that they once were. However we are still held back by this instinctive fear of change, which leads us to to self-sabotage. Today I go into depth with Anna Sperlich about why we self-sabotage, what we can do to change this behavior, and how we can use curiosity rather than fear and judgment to direct our lives onto a successful, stress-free track!

What You’ll Discover in This Episode:

  • Why it is so important to surround yourself with supportive, motivational people, and how you can do this even if they aren’t physically around you
  • The first steps you can take to end your cycle of self sabotaging and find success and happiness
  • How you can end your judgment of yourself and the world around you to find greater self contentment
  • How you can end unhealthy habits in your life and forgive yourself for slip-ups

More About Anna

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Anna Sperlich is a registered addiction therapist, counselor, yoga instructor, eating disorder coach, empowerment coach, and inspirational speaker. She resides in Berlin, Germany where she lives with her partner and two young children.

Anna came to be in the field of coaching through her own experiences with disordered eating and anxiety. While has always been skilled at helping others to see their innate strengths, at times she has struggled to see her own worth. Through training and self-work, Anna now has a healthy, nonjudgmental way of viewing herself, the world, and the actions of those around her, which she shares with her clients as a tool to recovery.

While Anna often works with women with disordered eating, an overriding theme of her work is eradicating the compulsion to self-sabotage. “Our success is only limited by our self worth,” she explains. We must learn to love ourselves, and unlearn the detrimental self-criticism so many of us have been trained to do, if we want to achieve success and happiness. Anna suggests that to start we ought to “come from a place of curiosity rather than judgment” when looking at both our environment and ourselves.

One of the biggest tools Anna advocates for her clients is taking care of self. She explains that “we need to make sure that our own cups are full before we can pour out to others,” and she employs these words as a doctrine. Even if we have many roles to fill, we can’t meet any of them successfully unless we tend to our own needs first. Today Anna chooses not to focus on balance, but rather harmony, in her life.

Describe one personal habit that contributes to your well-being:

Binge watching motivational videos on Youtube.

What super power did you discover you had only to realize it was there all the time?

I help people to find their greatness.

What advice would you give to your 25 or 30 year old self?

You are good enough.

Check Out The Links Mentioned in This Episode!

www.AnnaSperlich.com

Thrive by Arianna Huffington

Get Rich, Lucky Bitch! by Denise Duffield Thomas

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017 Discover Your Worth with Kirsten Roberts

We’ve all heard it before: we need to put our own needs first before we care for those around us. Easier said than done! For many of us, putting our own needs first seems implausible. There are children to be fed, a house to clean, work assignments to finish. All of these things need to be done and they all need to be done now. We know that our personal care has to fit in there somewhere, but where?

According to Kirsten Roberts, when you “sacrifice yourself, you’re never going to be the best person you can be for the ones you love.” Perhaps if we change our perception about our personal needs then we will begin to put ourselves first. Although this is a roundabout way of thinking about self-care, for some women this may be the best way to get them to actually begin prioritizing themselves.

As a former do-all-er, Kirsten understands that sometimes it’s a perspective shift that gets a woman to change her behavior and discover the joy she’s been missing. In today’s episode I speak with Kirsten Roberts, founder of Radical Life, a program that helps women “build their wildly fulfilling business, learn the art of crazy self-love and live with uproarious laughter every day.”  Kirsten was named one of Smart Company’s Top 50 Female Entrepreneurs in Australia, was CEO and co-owner of the franchised food group Spudbar and built a consulting arm for the accounting firm Crowe Horwarth where she signed $7m worth of contracts in the first two years of operation. Today I talk with Kirsten about self-love, finding laughter everyday, and breaking free from the anxiety cycle.

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What You’ll Discover in This Episode:

  • How you can begin to put your needs first without feeling guilty and do so in a way that benefits those around you
  • Some easy steps you can take to begin incorporating self-love into your daily routine
  • How to adjust your language so you’re learning to love yourself into healthy behavior rather than shame yourself out of unhealthy habits

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More About Kirsten

Kirsten comes from a history of business success. She’s always been the type to succeed in whatever she put her mind to, but after reaching her professional goals she found herself in a tough spot. She wasn’t happy, she was constantly comparing herself to others, and she didn’t know what to do next.

After a series of particularly difficult events, Kirsten sought help from a life coach. She would be the first to tell you that even those who seem to have everything together can benefit from some guidance and mentorship. She realized that she was living in a constant state of anxiety, “living life braced” for the next failure or meltdown and never simply appreciating day-to-day joys. Kirsten decided to adjust her perception of life, beginning with small steps such as daily affirmations, to bigger ones such as health and diet changes.

While Kirsten seeks to each day create “uproarious laughter” in her life, she also acknowledges the importance of accepting the dark periods in our lives. If you think of joy as a candle, “we can’t see the gorgeous flicker and the warmth of the candle unless there’s a dark contrast.” Rather than drown out our emotions with distractions; TV, alcohol, food; she recommends we welcome the dark times, take the lessons they give us, and move on when the time is right. After you are out of the darkness, it will be hard not to be teeming with wild fulfillment!

Describe one personal habit that contributes to your well-being:

Getting up early and meditating every morning.

What super power did you discover you had only to realize it was there all the time?

That I can inspire women.

What advice would you give to your 25 or 30 year old self?

The journey creates who you are, so don’t beat yourself up on the journey.

Check Out The Links Mentioned in This Episode!

The Radical Life Project

Chapter One (the book) by Daniel Flynn

Louise Hay: Mirror Mirror on The Wall Exercise

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